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*when you are betrayed by some little shit head robot*

"et tu, D2?"

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if you are role playing your paladin as a cop then you'd better be lawful evil first of all

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instance subtoot 

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stocking DUDE wipes in my bathroom so my male guests know it's okay to have a clean ass

subtoot at a whole-ass instance 

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:myass: is the first fediverse Nuclear Power. we propose a global treaty that mandates no further nuclear arms can be made, thereby solidifying our seat of power in the global fediverse community.

also we built a Metal Gear.

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immovable object (my ass), and irresistible force (also my ass)

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just listened to the John Legend/Kelly Clarkson version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside", and they make it sound like John Legend just wants Kelly Clarkson to leave

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Jedi do not fuck that’s why they carry those fleshlight around with them.

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date idea: renting out a theater and projecting my toots on the screen, telling my date, "Just wait this next one is even funnier!" with increasing desperation as she continually checks her phone

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Hey, psst you. Yes you reading this. You have the right to be loved :blob_cat_heart:.

Stoked that it’s almost time to watch Muppet Christmas Carol again

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Politics 

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Holiday movies 

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butts.team

Butts: Everyone has one!