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how to tell if a lime is ripe, this may surprise you! 

Oh here’s a fun fact about limes: they’re ripe when they’re yellow! A green lime is actually unripe. I am not sure why stores stock them green, maybe so you can tell them from the lemons!

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how to tell whether a watermelon is ripe 🍉 

It’s really easy to tell if a watermelon is ripe! First off: thumping doesn’t help, and weight isn’t really a good indicator. But that’s okay because the easiest way to tell is by color. Look for a spot on the melon that’s lighter in color than the rest of the rind: this is the spot that was touching the ground while the melon was growing! If that spot is white, the melon isn’t good yet. When that spot turns yellow, the watermelon is ripe!

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how to tell if a pear is ripe, this will change your relationship to pears 

None of you know how to ripen a pear and that’s okay! I am here to help. A perfectly ripe pear is one of life’s great joys but most folks don’t know how to identify one! So they get a bad rap.

The thing is, pears ripen from the core outward, so by the time the flesh is soft on the outside it’s too late! What you want to do is feel the flesh right around the stem, when it's soft the pear is ripe. Try it! 🍐

I might be one of the good ones BUT ask Jen because I broke her heart so yeah watch out for that

The worst part about Fat Wife is that you can’t call out sightings in the wild without getting your ass kicked by a hot fat milf

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nearly been here 3 years now and i don't think there's a stronger contender for 'funniest incident on the fedi' than that time someone everyone was mufos with suddenly announced they had decided to become a cop in a toot, wild

I like to toast my oatmeal in the pan a tiny bit before I add water and I accidentally left it on the stove too long and didn’t notice until I could smell oat smoke, oops

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a lot of questions about my "BE AWARE OF BUTT" sign that could be answered by reading the sign

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Long loading screens and “frame rates” are among the many hardships faced by the modern gamer

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selfie, eye contact 

First selfie of the year featuring Pasha

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Hello I have 20+ years of SRE/DevOps/Sysadmin and programming experience. Do you know an appropriate job for me for around 30 hours a week? Are you hiring? DM me!

Thanks!

:boost_requested:

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I have unfortunately been run over by a tank.

meta lol 

why are we freaked out about tankies, is it 1964 or something

rude food, not lewd (update) 

gobbled too much cock, now completely full and I still have two whole balls left

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all language is made up and anyone saying "the rules say you can't" doesn't actually care what's correct, they just prefer the old version because it's more bigoted

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software managers everywhere are hunting for the mythical man-moth. if you see him please tell him he'll be safe at my place

rude food, not lewd 

Stopped at voodoo doughnut while I was out on a walk. The cock and balls are pretty big today

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Butts: Everyone has one!